To let Klaas know that I always be right there for him, I gave him my turtle. Just to go with him wherever he goes, and he is small enough not to notice for other people. Klaas loved it and was moved by my gesture. Suddenly I get funny photo’s with text by mail. So this will be a new part of my blog. Have fun with the Wonderful Adventures of Turtle, directed and written by Klaas.

 21-2-2012 9.39  Me, hangin’ out near the window..

21-2-2012 10.25  Making a trip by bus, something my species rarely does.

21-2-2012 19.49  Suddenly I’m in China?! Rubbed Buddha’s belly for good luck.. The guy with me keeps repeating some sort of mantra: “Sophie, Sophie..”.

23-2-2-12 10.50 The more the merrier! So I decided to Xerox myself..

After a shower and some breakfast goes Klaas for a run with Casper. I go to sleep for a while. At 13.00 I wake up en feel more rested. Time to make something of the day. We have the car today of his parents and decide to go to the birth-town of Klaas, Harlingen. We have cancelled the appointment with his parents to meet them. It was all a bit much for Klaas. We drive around for a while and I have the perfect tour guide with me. Klaas knows so much about this area, very funny. We drive to Harlingen and arrive at the statue on the dike. I get out the car and the sea air hits me. Stupid, I forgot that Harlingen is a seaport. The Pavlov effect kicks in and I’m completely happy at once. We climb stairs over the dike and see the sea and beach. There is ice for as we can see. It is strange ice, in loads of grey colors, but very breakable because of all the salt. Casper goes crazy, he loves the beach. He starts running around and plays with Klaas while I shoot some pictures.

Then we drive into town and have a hard time finding a parking space. We walk to the ferry terminals and I feel his hand in mine. Finally someone who can show affection in public. Someone to be proud of to walk next to. We eat something in a restaurant near the terminal. It’s 16.00, but our eating times are rubbish right now. We talk about everything and forget to let the other finish sometimes. I learn so many new things about him. We walk trough town and drive to the house where he is born.

We are home at 17.30 and bake an apple pie together. This time we add honey and elderberry jam. Then I take a nap. Klaas is reluctant going to call his mom to explain why we aren’t coming. Or are we coming after all or do they come here. He can’t make his mind up so I tell him just to see how the phone call works out and then he will know. About a half hour later I feel him climbing on the bed next to me. He had a great mother – son conversation with his mom. According to him the best he had ever. He is so relived. His mom is tired too, so we will see each other an other time. His parents have some doubts of our relationship because of my disabilities. I have expected this reaction, but when Klaas heard it Tuesday, he was a bit startled. I told him, I found it completely normal that his parents want the best for him and have loads of questions. We all have to see how it works out. But his parents are looking forward to meet me and are really glad for us.

I smell hot apple pie and we eat both a big piece, lovely. Then we watch some tv. We are both tired and at 22.00 I’m in bed. Klaas plays some with Casper and plays music (its electric with headphones so I can’t hear it). I fall a sleep and a couple of hours later, he joins me in bed. I’m so happy he does his own things and feels comfortable to be himself. Maybe I should told him that I wanted to go to sleep again. But he is very awake and we end up talking about all kinds of stuff till deep into the night. I’m surprised about my own openness and his complete trust. It feels so good to be accepted for what you are.

Friday 17 february 2012. We wake up at seven and need to get up quite early. He needs to work at noon and I need to go back for a new kind of physiotherapie. So I pack my stuff, make grilled cheese sandwiches and Klaas walkes Casper. I’m look forward to be at home again, but I will miss him soon. I feel at home here with him. We drive to the station, I get tickets and buy a salad for supper. When I come back I is talking to some colleagues and I’m not sure what to do. They talk Fries and I can’t follow the conversation. Casper gets loads of attention. Klaas translates for me and one colleague suddenly starts to talk Dutch. I feel quite stupid. I need to understand Fries soon. The train table changed, so we have to walk long. After a kiss, Klaas said; I’m so happy that I can kiss you in public. It’s a great feeling. 10.45 I’m taking the train back, Casper is shaking again. Maria picks us up from the station.

It where 3 beautiful nights and days, including the stressful moments. I can’t wait what we will do next. We are very busy next week, so we don’t know when we see each other. But we will find a way.

After a crazy morning where I completely worked myself trough 2 lists with things to do, I get a bit bored. The next day I’m supposed to take the train at 17.00 to meet Klaas and stay at his house for 2 nights. But I wanted to see him this day so badly. It’s a week ago when we have seen each other for the last time and I miss him very much. He made the comment late the night before; if I had a car I would drive to you know. Suddenly I know the solution. Why not go to him today, I don’t have a car, but can take the train? Yes he wants to run tonight and need to work tomorrow but maybe he likes a surprises. It’s Valentines day after all. (That is a weak excuse because Klaas and I don’t like Valentines day). Also I have then more time Wednesday to get used to his home and the surroundings because he needs to work. So I send him this text: Have a wild plan… Call me after work please. And think about how attached you are with your running tonight… And do you dare to leave me alone… Do I make you curious? Kiss S. Answer: Exciting! I will call you right away at 17 h. Running? Whats that? Guess: you are coming tonight and babysit the house tomorrow. Love, your boyfriend.

To make a long story a bit shorter, after some text I pack my bags and arrange a ride to the station for Casper and me. It feels exhilarating to do whatever I want. No one can stop me, And my body can handle it! A friend of mine drives us to the station. We are to early and he offers me a hot chocolate. In return I give him the recipe for a chicory meal. He loves my enthusiasm. He has kids my age, so he can relate. He is going to tell my parents tonight that I’m already gone. It’s my dad’s birthday today. I think they all will have a laugh about it. The train goes smoothly, not a lot of people. I listen to David Sedaris: 6 to 8 black man. Very funny, it is hard not to laugh out loud. Casper is very scared and sits shaking on my feet, poor dog. But he has to get used to it. (Casper is a big black poodle, for everyone which didn’t figure it out already).

I arrive at 18.00 at the station. We walk to the other side and Klaas arrives right away. Lucky for us he could borrow the car of his parents for the minute. He is very happy to see us. We ride to a very big supermarket to do some shopping. We decided to make an Indonesian stir fry and buy stuff for apple pie. I will meet his parents thursday and an apple pie is a good start for an introduction. Then we ride to his house. I walk Casper while he brings the car back (his parents live around the corner). Inside we have again the same problem as the last times. We can stop kissing each other, so again a late dinner. This time I expected it, so I had something to eat at home . Some time later we come back downstairs and bake some eggs instate of the stir fry. I can see that it’s very weird for Klaas that there is a women in his house. And she is even going to sleep in his bed. It is weird for me to, at my house we sleep in the guest bed, this feel much more real. But Klaas can’t get the grin of his face. I think he liked his Valentine surprise.

Wednesday 15 february 2012. We wake up at 7.00. I’m so tired. Fortunately let Klaas Casper out for a walk and leaves for work. Suddenly I have the house to myself. At 9.20 I wake again. I make breakfast, take a shower and go to explore the surroundings with Casper. We find a supermarket and loads of trees for my doggie friend. After a long nap at noon I feel a bit more awake. I make a savory pie for dinner. That means: croissant dough at the outside. Inside: bacon, onions, garlic, stir fry vegetables, broccoli, cauliflower, sultana’s, spices and eggs. Also I make a desert for anything I can find in the cupboard. It is strange to be so at home at some else his home. His home is very clean and tidy. Really more tidy than mine. Did he that for me, or does he like to keep his stuff in order and clean? The desert end up as pineapple, sirup, sugar and ginger at the bottom with a weird cinnamon cake mix on top. I try the oven, but after heating it, black smoke comes out. So I find a spot which isn’t clean after all. . After a quick clean I make the deserts. They look ok, but I didn’t have a rasing agent, so it will be very dense. After an other walk and a nap I finishes dinner just as Klaas comes home. He looks so happy to see me. He loves the idea of me cooking and running around in his home. And can’t stop grinning (and kissing me). But we need to try the pie first. It’s a big success and the desert too. But I was right, it sits in your stomach like a brick. After a long walk with Casper is it bedtime. But Klaas is indeed a person with very funny habits. Like doing laundry at night, cleaning etc. Yes. I found a man who likes his things in the right places. That can become handy.

Then the mood slowly chances. Klaas funny comments slowly change into silence and we retreats into his own world. I don’t really know what to do. I want to hold him, but he pushes he me away and want to sleep. We both try to sleep but it doesn’t work. After a while I’m fed up with it and get him talking. Klaas has been alone for so long that it must be so strange to have a women in his live, in his bed. A relationship, means all new feelings, things to do, expectations. He has been very insecure in his past, now he is usually fine, but sometimes little voices from long ago come back. He tried to hard to do everything ‘the right way’ and his way of dealing with is running away or keep everything inside. He is not used to talk about his feelings. I try to talk the things out his head, but its hard. I’m insure too and feel rejected. I don’t know what to do and get angry at myself. Not very useful. So at the end we are both very upset and want to be somewhere else. After a long silence I shuffle all the bad feelings aside and tell him that we can’t let our past win. Then he lets me hold him and slowly the room gets a bit warmer again. We learned a lot that night. We need to trust each other. Ofcourse we don’t know where we end up. But we agree that we will make the best of it, even when we decided we are not made for each other. We will just try, and don’t pressure each other. Be as honest as possible. Tell each others fears and insecurities. It all feel so right to be together, that the pressure to run is sometimes even more. We can’t believe that good things can happen to us too. But they do, at this moment. Slowly we fall asleep feeling each others nearness. Another hurdle taken….

Tuesday 7 February, my 29th birthday.

Klaas had to work that day, so he would be at my place at 17.00 or later. I had a very busy day, which loads of people who came for coffee and cake. I was way to tired that afternoon. At 14.00 a text from Klaas. ‘ I was wrong, I only need to work half a day, I can be there at 15.00 oke’. That was fine by me, more time for us. I expected a friend at 15.00 also. So when Klaas arrived we waited for him. At 15.50 I called him, he was ice-skating and forgot the time. Well in the mean time, be booked the whole Scotland trip. But I don’t like to wait for someone, and he stoot me up 3 times that week. After a rest we took all the leftovers from saturday and Casper in Klaas parents car and went to my parents. Klaas was very nervous, but kept a streight face. So he met my dad, mom and Dali. After a drink, a tour of the garden and house (I grew up here from my 3th) we had a nice meal. Mom and dad made a big gourmet. Gourmetten is in Dutch: a big electric grill, with little pans. You can make our own, meat, vegetables, eggs. Interactive food. And it’s very funny to do. Klaas never did it before, but became a fan right away. Dad give the 100 questions, so mom and I didn’t have to talk much. And the man forgot to eat. Mom suddenly said, I know you have a tattoo, can I see it. We all shocked (she too) but Klaas found it funny and showed it. Lucky for her and him its on his arm and not somewhere else. That would be awkward. In our family we don’t have tattoos or piercings. So it’s new in the family. I also break a wine glass by accident. Fortunately for me it’s for good luck.

At 21.00 we where back at my place. Both very tired but we had a good feeling about it. It is hard to fit into a new family with other customs and rules. Everybody had a different upbringing. But Klaas felt quite at home and relaxed more and more during the meal. I called my parents the next day and they really liked him. So now for part 2. I have to meet his parents. Next Thursday I go to him with Casper for 2 days. So I will see them then.

Thursday 16 February 2012. After A stressful Wednesday night we decided not to meet his parents now after all. There is so much happening that it’s hard to keep up. His parents are very patient and give us the space we need. For more stories about our first nights and days at his place see the post I will make next: Honey, I’m home.

Sometimes you can’t find words for what you are feeling

Sometimes is what you are feeling to scary to put into words

Sometimes you want to scream at the top of your lungs

And sometimes you get a lump in your throat

What I want to say to you;

I have the feeling that I have come home with you

That I’m suddenly at a place I always should have been

And I hope this feeling will never leave

And that I can give you the ‘home’ that you need

Home is not a location, but the feeling that everything falls into place

Sweet dreams, Kiss, Sophie

2. Chatting with doctor R. I havent seen doctor R for a while and loads of stuff happened. So on monday I go for a chat. While he was on holiday, last 4 week, I texted him that I was in love. After all the bad news, I wanted to share the good one too. He is really happy to hear it. Then we talk bout my last neurologist visit. I tell my story and he agrees of my plan of action. Apparently I tell him exactly what doctor K wrote to him in a letter, so we are all on the same page now. Finally not a sad conversation, but a good one!

3. Lemon curd muffins. My friends gave my saturday a silicon muffin holder for my birthday. I invited some other friends and neighbors for my real birthday on Tuesday so why not try to bake some muffins. The muffin mix worked great and is very simple, so I jazz it up at bit. I add sultana’s and lemonzest. When the muffin batter is in the holder, I make a small well in each of them. There I put some lemoncurd. Then sprinkle with cane-sugar and put into the oven. I tried 2, they where so good!

4. Happy Birthday to me. Tuesday was a mad day. On 8.45 the first phone call to congratulate me from grandpa and grandma. It’s tradition to call as early as you dare and be the first one. The phone goes the whole day, the same for texting and emails. Even from people I hardly know. The last couple of years I didn’t celebrate it at all, so now its double. I asked some friends and neighbors to come for coffee and cake. Suddenly everybody want to come. At 11.00 is my little house full with 9 people. they even sing for me (blush). It’s great, but it’s hard to keep up with all the coffee and conversations. I got all kinds of nice presents.

5. Elfstedentocht. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elfstedentocht Because of the extremely cold weather we got all elfsteden fever.The elfstedentoch is an ice skating tour of almost 200 km along 11 city’s in Friesland. It very famous, but the last one is 16 years ago. We where all waiting if the ice would be thick enough; more than 15 cm over the whole route. But we didn’t make it. The ice wasn’t strong of enough for all the people and supporters. Some people tried it on their own last sunday, but the official tour has to wait till next year. It’s really a weird time, even the news starts every time with a 10 minute update about the ice.

6. From birthday to hospital. On Wednesday I needed to go to hospital for some tests. Back with both feet on the ground. I can have a lot of fun, but the hospital visits are still there. Lucky for we it all went very quickly and painless. But it sets the mood for the day.

7. Tired. I had a neighborhood meeting on Wednesday evening, but was really tired. While talking to Klaas on Skype I couldn’t keep my head up. He suggested I better stayed home. Sometimes I feel to responsible for my projects that I forget to look after myself. Last month was crazy, and my body could not go on any more. So I climbed into bed and slept for 13 hours. The next day my aunt picked my up to stay with her for a couple of days. Thursday was all about sleeping too. Friday I felt a lot better.

8. Sauna. To beat the cold and relax, I went to the Sauna with aunt Lynn. She lived in a more crowded part of the Netherlands so the sauna’s are more compact and less outdoor. After almost falling asleep in a 85 °C sauna, I still wasn’t sweating. So we went to a infra-red sauna. Then we had a drink and a muffin. Next was a light sauna, this one is not very hot and has different colors every 5 minutes (they suppose to intact with your mood). Then we had something to eat and I took a nap on a pre heated water-bed. They hide the resting rooms so well, that no-one else was there. Last I went for a steam bath. But I burned my feet a the steam (it was not properly build). So I jumped into the pool. Glowing and relaxed we went back to Casper, who needed a walk.

9. Violin lessons. My aunt is a music teacher. She can sing, plays the piano and all kinds of flutes. She teaches children to read notes and the basics about music. I had some problems with playing my violin and she offered to help me. She can’t play violin herself, but she is in loads of orchestra’s so she knows a lot about them. First we found out that I have problems tuning my violin. My tuning flute is rubbish and hard to use. She had an electric tuning device. It worked very well, so I ordered one online. My violin is very hard for me to fine tune. So maybe in the future I need put more fine tuning possibilities on my violin. With some explaining about sheet music and notes, I solved some riddles I stumbled on before. And I felt more confident to play. She made some suggestions about my posture and now I will see how the next months go.

On sunday it was 4 week since I have met Klaas for the first time. I seems so much longer, but facts are facts. I felt a bit under the weather. I’m very cold the whole day and my lip got infected. (To prevent all discussions, Yes  it might be of all the kissing, but Klaas has no problems). Next Wednesday evening I well go to his house. He has a day off work on thursday and a late shift on friday, so we have more time. The ideas fly in emails from one to the other. I want to meet his parents. So what to bring, flowers, or home-made apple pie. He likes the last idea so we decide to bake one together. Also he wants to show me the place where he is born. And of course we need to walk Casper, make supper and I need to rest to. So at the end of the afternoon he makes a joke. ‘I haven’t figured out Sophie 1.0 (like in software)’. He ment he doesn’t know how much energy I will have, what I can and cannot do.

So after some thinking I tried to send him a basic Sophie 1.0. A list of things I can and cannot do, when I need to rest, what triggers my problems etc. I made this list countless times, for friends, family, caregivers and doctors. So its easy to do. But as the list gets longer and longer my heart sinks. I hate this list. I want to be normal, especially now. I don’t want to bother my brand new boyfriend with my problems. Or give him the complete Sophie manual. The problem is if I don’t tell him now, he will be confused and disappointed later. Honesty is the best thing. So with a lump in my throat I send him the email.

After watching some tv I get an email back. I was getting more nervous every minute. How would he react? Well his email was oke, he tries to be understanding and comforting. But I can read the; oh Help, sign between the lines. Klaas knew from the first second that I’m disabled. I wrote it in my internet dating profile. He can (and did) read all about it in my blog and of course we talked a bit about it. But suddenly it hit home for the both of us. I’m ill, and I’m not able to do or react as other people do. And that will be probably for the rest of my life. I’m glad he knows me now, and not a year before. I’m a lot better now and I hope I never go back to being so ill as before. But I can’t promise him that.

http://www.kartoen.be/wp/2007/02/20/reality-check/

Suddenly I fall of my pink cloud on the ground. The reality hits home and I start crying. I want to fall in love carefree with no troubles. But the contrary is true. My life is very different than his. I got flooded by fear. How on earth is this going to work? What will happen when the first extreme beeing in love changes? What if he sees me  longer then a day? What would I do in his place? Would I be able to love and be in a relationship with someone with my disabilities? The truth is, I don’t know. And the only way to find out if we have a future, is to give it a chance. Give him a chance to see the real me, don’t fake things, don’t run over my limits every minute I’m with him. If it’s ment to be, its ment to be. But it doesn’t feel this way as I’m crying.

I decided to call him. It’s hard to judge emotions of and email and this is the real me too. I hate that he will hear me crying, but I need to know what he feels and thinks. Of course he is startled to hear my sobbing. He is reasonable, kind, supporting, but also confused. Indeed, my Sophie 1.0 hit him too. He wants to know how I work, what my manual is, but it scares him to. I tell him that rational thinking and my emotions are completely different things. So I knew that I did the right thing but my heart want to keep the bubble. Just life on a pink cloud with no worries, happily be in love. I don’t like myself at all in this kind of situations. I never choose to be ill, I hate the list and rules myself. And sometimes even I hate myself. I want to be normal. I feel so bad for him, that he hears me crying, not able to hold me. (I’m 3 hours away). But he stays calm, tells me he is insecure too and really wants to see if it will work between us. Just take baby steps and look at it day by day. I ask him to be honest with me, ask anything he wants and tell me what bothers him. He deserves a girlfriend who is healthy, normal. And I can understand that there might come a day that he can’t handle it. That he might love me, but can’t live with my disabilities. I won’t blame him for it.

Relationships come and go, everybody knows that. I can live with the idea that it won’t work out between us because of loads of reasons. But that we have to break-up because of my illness is an idea to painful to think about. I realise: he has a choice to live with it, I haven’t. I can’t run or hide. And now I just have to keep faith, take a deep breath and jump into the unknown. I have to trust god, mother earth, or something else that good things can happen to me too. I just have to give it a chance.

So I hung up the phone, got a big hug and wise words of my aunt and tried to sleep. Tomorrow is a brand new day and the voices in my head will be talking about other things.

2. Testing grandma’s new microwave. My dad and I bought a new microwave / oven for grandma. But we needed to test it first. So I took all the plastic away and read in the manual that I had to put the grill on for 20 minutes. After 15 minutes I came back and panicked. The inside of the glass looked awful. I thought I had left the plastic sheet on the inside of the glass. But my mom found out that something else happened. The glass of the inside of the door was shattered into little pieces. But everything stayed into place. Why, who knows. I called the store and we had a laugh about it. It’s not common to have problems with Sharp appliances. The next day we got a new microwave, this time it all worked. Next week mom and dad are going to install it for grandma and give her instructions.

3. Love stories. Because of my blog I got all kinds of love stories from other people. After knowing Albert for 9 years he suddenly started to tell me a bit about his former love life. His answer of the question; why now… He said; because you needed to know how it feels yourself first. But also my mom went on a trip to memory lane. And Tuesday I got a call from my grandma. She is a big fan of my blog. And she is moved by my stories. Her love life started very differently. Because in her time you had hardly any time to get to know your boyfriend alone before marriage. And she had to quit working after getting married too. She is so happy the times are different now. It was a really nice talk.

4. Blast from the past. Because I’m designing the play area nearby I needed to contact I used to  work for. There are not a lot of my old colleagues left, but one (Martin) works still there as an industrial designer. After a couple of emails I asked him if we could have a chat about the old days. I needed to hear all the gossip of course. IT was a really nice talk. I haven’t spoken him in 5 years, but after a couple of minutes it was just like the old days. The funny thing is that I found out that a lot of stuff I designed got into production after I got ill. So I have never seen it. It feels great that there are still things  build that I have worked on. I might not have a diploma, but this feels I’m graduated anyway. We are going to work together with this company to make a very cool playground. (if the neighborhood can decide what they want to have in the playground)

5. Parties cost money. On saturday I had my 29th birthday party and I needed to cook for 8 people. So Maria and I went on Wednesday to the store for shopping. I was in a good mood and in a short while we bought loads of nice stuff. Then I hit the register. Help, almost 100 euro. Well I only will be 29 once, So I will eat soup the rest of the month.

6. Let the show begin. A friend of mine had offered me on sunday 2 tickets for the theater. She and other women have a project where they help women in difficult situations by sending them on fun outings, or beautystuff. She thought I needed something nice and arranged 2 tickets for a show of Feminin; 4 women cabaret. My mom loved to go along, she has still a broken ankle so she would fit a person in need . We arrived at the theater on 19.15, dropped off by dad. The show starts at 20.00 but you could get free makeup advice. The theme of the evening was a bit weird, your own trail funeral. So there was also a stand of the funeral people next to the beauty stand. A nice lady put some makeup on me. The consiler (to get rid of the black under my eyes) and blusher worked great. I probably will buy some later for a party. But then she started working on my eyes. Wrong idea; my eyelid tremble a lot, so my eyepencil got everywhere except where is belonged. Then she tried to get it off. The whole evening I got a blurry eye. The show wasn’t really my taste. It was quite tasteless, but the singing was nice. And the joke of the IKEA coffin too.

7. Beautiful Baby. Kim, my social worker got a baby boy at 15 december. So I went to her to look at the baby. Here in the Netherlands we don’t have babyshowers, but all the visitors come after the baby is born. Then they get; beschuit met muisjes te eat. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beschuit_met_muisjes. It is a beautiful baby. Of course you always say that, but this time it’s true.

8. Birthday party. For all info of my birthday party on saturday see my post; 29th birthday party

9. Time out. Sunday it’s time for a time out and reflection. So much is happening, so fast. It’s hard to keep up with myself. But I’m having fun!

In the morning I do the dishes from my cooking for the day before. It’s huge. But I can’t wait till Klaas comes to do it, it annoys me to see it standing there. I also walk Casper in the snow. Then I take a nap under the infra-red light. Klaas arrives at noon. It’s a wonder that he made it, because of the snow the trains are in big trouble. But his train worked with a bit of delay. Because most stuff is already done, we have time for a cuddle. Apparently its good for me, because I was a bit tense. After that we have lunch and I take a nap. He takes Casper for a run and gets the  snow shuffle out. Handy to have a man to help me . While looking at old photo’s on my door with Klaas I realise that a year ago I was way to ill to think even about my birthday. New year, new chances. Everything is different, I don’t know for how long. But my future looks a lot brighter. A lot to be thankful for.

Klaas has to get used to my bright outfits. Today is Mondriaan: blue, red, yellow. We set up the last things and wait for the visitors. It must be weird for Klaas to see all my friends. But he is a really social person, so he will be all right. At 15.45 arrives Albert. It’s funny to have the man who is my best friend and the man I love in one room. I hope they get along, but it seems to be fine. Albert gives me a box of chocolates and a voucher for my favorite restaurant to spend with Klaas. Very sweet. He also brings cups, knives and forks. I don’t have enough for 8. Then arrive 2 friends from the scouting. They are going to marry in April, so it would be nice to hear the stories. I get from them all kinds of stuff to bake muffins. In the mean time Klaas gives himself the job to give everybody coffee and tea. First he makes a mistake with the coffee machine, coffee everywhere.

The next couple I know from school, well I know her from school. She was in the same class as me and Albert. They gave me a nice pack of foods with cranberries. Also they have a gift for the man of the house. That is weird, because they are not supposed to know already that I have a boyfriend. But they mean Casper. He likes his teats very much. Last but not least came Leonie on her bike. It’s extremely cold outside and she looked quite red. Apparently she had been ice skating with her father. She gave my loads of Sudoku puzzles. Then everybody sits down with a mini lemon drizzle cake and starts to chat. Casper seems to like it to and moves the whole evening from person to person for a cuddle. Everybody gets along great and after a while I serve my first course.

I made a Pastilla:  http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1759651/duck-apricot-and-pine-nut-pastilla. It’s a Marrocan pie with confit duck, apricots and pine nuts. The duck was very expansive but oh so worth it. very very jummy. Then we play a game; Lego Creations. It’s a game like pictionary, but nog you get a ticket which says what you need to build with lego blocks. Everybody has fun. I know that some of the men (and women) still like to build stuff with lego. At 18.00 is the Chicken in the Hat done. It’s a pastry with in it chicken, cherries, ginger, onions, and curry sauce. Looks awful, but tastes like haven. Lucky for me they agreed and I have nothing left. Yesterday I burden the curry sause, but you can’t taste it now. Then I got really tired. Lucky for me, everybody helped a lot. Suddenly there where teams that did the dishes are walked Casper.

Time for desert: Tiramisu a la Jamie. I only didn’t put raw eggs in, but instate whipped cream. Everybody liked it, but its a heavy desert. After a cup of coffee most people head home at 20.00. it was a great party! Albert and Klaas stay a while longer. An hour later and less mess. I’m really tired, but happy. Everybody is gone except the man who is holding me. I asked Klaas if he would give me anything for my birthday. His love is my biggest gift and it was on top of my wish list. He has seen me quite ill tonight, but could handle it fine. He helped a lot. It wasn’t awkward at all. We are both surprised it all went so smoothly. We crawl in bed for a while to snooze and talk a bit. I’m exhausted but not as stressed as I normally feel after a party. He need to work tomorrow and leave at 23.00 to catch the train. I chat a bit with Boo on Facebook. She offers to do a photo shoot for my birthday of Klaas and me when we come to Scotland. And she gives me some sisterly advice.

I hope there are many more parties like this to come. Bring it on! Tuesday will some people come on my actual birthday for pie and coffee. And my mom and dad cook dinner that night. Klaas is going to meet them for the first time.

On Wednesday Klaas is completely fed up with the waiting to see me. I get an email if he please can see me for an hour that night. Too bad, I’m going with mom to the theatre, so that won’t work. I celebrate my 29th birthday on Saturday with friends. And he offered to help out the preparations. But Saturday feels a long time away. Of course I hear the voices of friends and family; Don’t go to fast. Well we feel both awful when we are apart. So we will make hour own rules. Thursday he has a day off work and the comes at 17.00. Klaas offers to cook for me, so sweet.

16.45 Thursday 2 February, I get a text, the eagle has landed. A 15 minutes later he stand on my doorstep. This time no awkwardness and we just can’t stop holding each other. After tea he want to cook, I need to eat on regular times because of my medication. But our mind is somewhere else and we decide to leave dinner for later. So much is different then expected. You can read or know so much about sexuality, in real-time is completely different. And I guess, that even when you have experience it will be very different depending on the partner you are with. I was quite worried that sex would be horrible for me. I had not always the best experiences in the past and having a weird working body makes me very apprehensive of this sport. But Klaas is very sweet and understanding. He is in no rush, and helps me to feel at ease with funny jokes and seet words. We are both very open people and that appears to be very helpful. We are able to tell each other what we like and don’t like. The problems that I expected are not there. But there are others. I don’t have much strength. My muscles will sometimes move on their own accord. And I get tired so soon. Even to keep standing or leaning on my arms can be a big problem. But we make a game of it. We have all the time of the world.

http://coconutgirlwireless.wordpress.com/2007/12/01/honu-attacks-in-hawaii/

The dinner becomes a late night dinner. Klaas makes a very nice boerenkoolstampot. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stamppot. It’s meant for 2 days. But a half hour later it’s all gone. And he eats a complete chocolate pudding to. Apparently we are hungry. When we are sitting on the couch and kiss for a while, lays Casper his head on Klaas knee. Very funny, he looks at us with a look like he wants to say; what are you doing? Or I want attention to. Went we go to bed we still have the problems of the moving mattresses. We already made up the perfect solution, to put a 2 person sheet over it with elastic in the corner. Klaas has some at home, but forgot them. We sleep well, both tired, outside its -12 C. At 5.00 I suddenly am starving. I’m losing weight for weeks now, even without using my diet. Very nice, but now I really need a cookie.

8.15 I’m an early bird and go downstairs. My body usually hurts in de morning a lot, so I need to move. I let Casper out and make tea. Then I watch the weather. No good, they expect code orange: that means problematic weather. In this case more than 10 cm snow in a couple of hours. Here in the Netherlands we have not a lot snow, so we don’t have the equipment to solve it. Klaas needs to work this afternoon and evening so I wake him. Better not to go back home to late. Maybe the train gets into trouble. After a cuddle we suddenly have to hurry a bit, or he won’t catch his train. And as he leaves its starts to snow.

A couple of hours and a thick white coat later I have a quiet day. My help Janet had a laugh. I asked her to help me make the bed and we found there the boxer shorts of Klaas. Very funny, we got caught. Klaas downloaded Skype at home and with my webcam he tries it. I use Skype a lot and love it. Mobile phones are so expansive. He seems to like it a lot and found it strange to a have video call. Usually I have bad reception but now it really clear and working fine. Now our phone bills will be a bit more under control.

Tomorrow I see him again on my party and Tuesday (my real birthday) he will meet my parents. What an adventure, but after last night I’m not so insecure any more.

http://www.thoughts.com/MissMe/miss-advised-insecure-relationship

2. Sleepless night. On Wednesday night my head was so full of things, I didn’t sleep. Of course Klaas takes a lot of room space but there are other things to. The room make over, my coming birthday party, baking apple pie, art class, the cold, and a hospital visit that takes way more homework then expected.

3. Real Dutch Apple pie. Frederik can’t come on my party next week, so we celebrate it tonight. So I will bake a dutch apple pie.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apple_pie. Maria bought the wrong butter, so I had to use partly liquid butter. The result a really soft apple pie. But it tasted great!

4. Moms ankle. Thursday was the big day for mom. Her cast on her ankle would come off. I invited them to eat apple pie at my place to celebrate. Then mom called. She really needed the apple pie, company and a good movie. Because her ankle didn’t heal well. Now at least 3 weeks more cast. She was quiet upset, now it will be 9 weeks in total. That means hobbling around with one crutch and no driving or cycling. The apple pie helped a bit and she watched the Kings Speech here.

5. Dinner, go out or take out… Frederik came on 18.00 to take me out for a spare-rib meal. I was really tired and it was cold and rainy outside. The restaurant which we wanted to go to also brought the food to your home. So I asked him if we could eat here. Frederik thought it was a good idea. We ordered spare-ribs, shoarma and fries. It took a bit long, but an hour later it was there. Frederik paid for it because it was my present. The meat was great, but the fries cold. To bad. In the mean time we watched funny YouTube movies. After that we walked Casper and Frederik could even still eat some apple pie. I was full. After watching a funny tv show in Iceland; Wie is de mol? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wie_is…_de_Mol%3F

6. Klaas his ancestors. I told Klaas about my hobby; genealogy. And he was curious about it. So I made a small family tree of his father’s father. At one point I found a really long line back. That is very rare; in Friesland last names where really uncommon before 1750 and then its really hard to find ancestors. But this a family from the west of the Netherlands who moved to Friesland in 14.50. Apparently they where so proud on their heritage that they kept good notes. They where descendents from a famous nobel family. The funny thing is that I have the same noble family in my tree (25 generations back). A nice story to remember.

7. A warm art class. Because it’s so cold outside I asked a friend of the book club if I could drive with them to art class. Lucky for me they didn’t have a problem with that. The take art class for the last couple of years now. I also wore the new thermo underwear Klaas gave me. It worked a lot better than the one I had. The class was not really exciting, I was daydreaming a lot

8. Back to work. In a past life I use to work for a company that designed and produced playground equipment. I worked there for 1,5 year as an industrial designer. Now I’m volunteering in the neighborhood comity and the is and empty playground nearby. After listening to the discussions for I while, I told them that it was my job to design playgrounds, suddenly I had the whole job. On friday came a lady of the comity with a wish list. I had to explain a lot and to tell her what is possible and not. Also it’s of course way more exspensive than expected. But it was nice to do my old job. I can’t do the drawing anymore, but I will contact the company for help.

9. Curiosity and stories. After my weekend with Klaas I called my mom. She was really relived to hear my voice. Of course they trust me, but they don’t know him and want to know that I’m fine. They are enjoying our happiness and it remembers them at the time that they fell in love. Even the mom of Leonie came by at mom and dads on sunday afternoon to ask if they heard from me. An other funny effect of me falling in love is that because of my blog people are telling me of their love stories. apparently I write things they can relate to.